How do we get what we want especially if we don’t really know what we want in the first place?
I have never had a “dream man” or a “dream trip”
This doesn’t mean I never have dreams. I have plenty of those you can call me “Desire the dreamer” lol. But they are never attached to physical things. Instead I dream of things like feeling safe, happy, healthy, fulfilled, passionate and loved.
Growing up, I found the choices in school incredibly daunting as I never felt I actually wanted to become something in particular. Although I had a phase in my life all I wanted was to be a pediatric surgeon but things changed, life happened. This wasn’t because I wanted to marry rich and be comfortable, I only felt the options were too many and it wasn’t that I didn’t want any of them — I wanted it all.
I felt like any choice or particular dream would limit me. I’m quite indicted in multi tasking (as my mother) so I had this strong belief in myself that I could literally do anything if I put my mind to it and worked really hard. I worried more about what I would loose out on than I actually would gain. It was like standing in front of a row of open doors and not wanting to close any of them in fear of “missing out.” I couldn’t choose!
You see, I have actually been amazing at some things. Actually, there has been a subject where I particularly excelled. It came “naturally” to me. I’m not the type to sport because I’m not suited for it, actually I dislike it. I have always been pretty good at things. Not excellent, just good.
I was pretty okay at everything and because of that, I felt like any choice would be a wild guess. It would have made my life a lot less stressful if something would have come to me easier than the rest.
I didn’t find my career, my career found me. Modeling kind of just happened because I had my first job out of the blue and I enjoyed it. I was good at it, I enjoyed meeting new people so i stuck with it.
I started the blog so my thoughts wouldn’t have to die with me and it was never meant to be anything more, just thoughts and since I had a close friend who was good at hunting me to do better and I was good at writing too, I enjoyed it and I’m still doing it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly hard working and I’m really good at what I do (if I may say so myself). But it has all happened after the choice was made for me. “If I was to be a model, I was going to be the hardest working model out there. Same thing with blogging. If I was going to be doing it, I would be an expert”. It was the only way I could justify dedicating myself. And to be honest, it could have been almost anything.
Some days I wish I would just be less indecisive and just choose a direction and stick with it. But then I look at what I am now, what I’ve slightly achieved and where I’m headed and I’m quite content and happy. Sometimes I wonder if I have wasted any of my talent but for that thought to count, I would have to have some kind of idea of what talent is and not being hard on myself cos I’m still young and life has its series of choices and non-choices.
My life has been a series of non-choices and now, I can say for myself that I’m happy. I have a dreamy man (that I never dreamt of) Friends that I never dreamt of too. I’m living the dream that I never really had.
So the conclusion is that maybe you don’t need to know exactly what you want in life? Maybe some things will just work itself out as you go along. Maybe the choices are just an illusion. Maybe I would have never ended up here no matter what I would have chosen?
This way of life is actually exciting. I feel like I can turn a corner and bump into something new at any time. It keeps things really interesting. I’m not sure if is for everyone, actually it isn’t interesting for everyone. But for me it makes me feel like all options are open and that I can be anything I put my mind to.
Anyone else out there who hasn’t really picked a path? Maybe the dream picked you? It would be nice to know I’m not alone. Or the opposite? Who was born with a calling or grew up with a dream? Please share.